doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
