I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
