He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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