Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
