dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
