I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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