i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Operation Purity has been aborted
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
