Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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