I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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