dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
