If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
