We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
