just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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