You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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