omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
