I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
