so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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