Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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