My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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