Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
