So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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