tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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