At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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