The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
