I wish I could teleport
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
