He uses pillows to masturbate.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
