I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
