And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
