dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
