just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Are my feet made of real feet?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
