He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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