woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
