i permit you to call me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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