So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
