I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
