I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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