The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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