The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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