I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
