I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
