We won't sleep together?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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