I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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