i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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