Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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