There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
