I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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