i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
