My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
