I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
