You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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