The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
